Paradimethylaminobenzaldehyde. (Isaac Asimov)


Sodium citrate, ammonium cyanide
Phosphates and nitrates and chlorides galore
Just have one o’ these and you’ll never need more.

Got messed up last night on furfuryl alcohol
Followed it down with a gallon of propanol
Drank from mid-morning til late afternoon
Then spat on the floor and blew up the saloon.

(repeat chorus)

Powdered aluminum, nitrogen iodide
Slop it around and add some benzene
Then top off the punch with Fluorescein

(repeat chorus)

Whiskey, tequila and rum are too tame,
The stuff that I drink must explode into flame.
When I break wind it strips all the paint in the room,
And rattles the walls with an earthshaking boom.

(repeat chorus)

Go soak your head in a jar of formaldehyde
Scrub very hard, then rinse out your mane
In dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane!

Having A Bit Tonight (Trad)

Tonight I am so happy tonight I am so gay

Me mothers got a rolly polly pudding on the way

I saw her put the currents in the suet and the fat 

Tonight we’re having spotted dick what do you think of that


For I’m having a bit tonight I’m having a bit tonight

Me mother say’s I must be quick to get me bit of spotted Dick

I like me rolly Polly It fills me wi delight 

I hav’ne had it since Easter but I’m having a bit tonight


nite nite nite diddle it tite tite


There is me uncle Billy and me auntie Nell 

Then there is the girl nextdoor she likes a bit as well

Then there’s me old grandad he’s really very tough

Although he’s nearly ninety he’s a bugger for his Duff


Then there is me girl friend she is a lovely girl

Her hair is like the waving corn her teeth as white as pearl

There’s only one thing wrong with her she is’nt very fat

Tonight she’s getting spotted dick what do you think of that


Well me mothers rolly polly it is the very best

It really fills yer belly and puts hairs apon your chest

So if your feeling poorly or if your feeling sick

there’s nothing better for you than a bit so spotted dick

Granny’s Hieland Hame. (Trad)

Away in the Hielands
There stands a wee hoose,
And it stands on the breast of the brae.
Where we played as laddies
Sae long long ago,
And it seems it was just yesterday.


Where the heather bells are blooming just outside Granny’s door,
Where as laddies there we played in the days of long ago.
Neath the shadow of Ben Bhragie and Golspie’s loudly stane,
How I wished that I could see my Granny’s Hielan’ hame.

I can still see old Granny,
A smile on her face,
As sweet as the heather dew,
When she kissed me good-bye
Wi’ a tear in her eye,
And said, ‘Laddie may God bless you’.

It’s A Wonderful Thing. ( R. Fulton)

It’s a wonderful thing to feel young and healthy

Great to say your feeling fine

What do you care about being wealthy

As long as you have a good time


A man who weds at ninety five a girl of twenty two

Enganged a nice companion so his wife would not be blue

I fear the wife is preganant the companion’s pregnant too


It’s a wonderful thing to feel young

Now and old man met a laddie crying bo ho ho ho ho

The boy said I’m upset because I can’t do what big boys do

The old man thought a minute then he started crying too 

It’s a wonderful thing to feel young


It’s a wonderful thing to feel full of youthpop

What if you lost all your teeth

What if you find that there’s snow on the rooftop

If there’s a big fire underneath 


Well you’ve heard of auntie Jessie now It really is a farce

She went out walking yesterday and fell apon the grass

We promised not to mention where she stuck the elastoplast

It’s a wonderful thing to feel young


Now auntie Jessie’s in mess you really must’nt scoff

The plasters really agony especially when she coughs

It did’ni hurt when it went on but gee’s when it came off

It’s a wonderful thing to feel young


It’s a wonderful thing to feel young and glowing

What if you lost all your hair

What if you can’t quite see where your going

As long as you know when your there


Well a fine girl caught winching beneath the stairheed light

Her father said I’ll teach you to make love 

The girl said dad I wish you would for he canni da it right 

It’ a wonderful thing to feel young


Well an old wife at a funeral called a minister by name

She said that man you buried he’s a hundred I’m the same

He said my god a hundred it’s no worth your while go’s hame

It’s a wonderful thing to feel young

It’s a wonderful thing to feel young

It’s a wonderful thing to feel young

Embo’s Golden Shore (Colin McKenzie)

Twas on the 16th of July in 1988

That Embo did declare itself an independent state

And the peopled came from miles around by the dozen and the score

To watch the rollers gently break on embo’s golden shores


On Embo’s golden shore me boys 

On Embo’s golden shore

We’ll watch the rollers gently break 

On Embo’s golden shore


To enter this new fledgling state a visa was required

For Embo gained it’s freedom then without a shot been fired

Twas not Whithall’s stately rooms they played their power game’s

but in the cosy backroom bar in Granny’s Heiland Hame


I’ve travelled many’s a weary mile and seen strange foreign lands 

I’ve seen the snowy mountains and I’ve wondered through the glens

But then I came by Dornoch town far famed in days of yore

And I watched the rollers gently break on Embo’s golden shore 

One Of Those Days. (Boulton/ Parton)

When you find you’ve slept through your alarm clock and you can’t find clean knickers or socks
When number one daughter’s used all the hot water and there’s no teabags left in the box
The orange juice carton is empty and the coffee pot’s furry and green
The only bread’s frozen, the toaster is broken and you struggle to stifle a scream

It’s going to be one of those days
It’s going to be one of those days
But don’t think these things only happen to you
That creation has cursed ev’rything that you do
For the rich and the famous have their moments too
And it’s going to be one of those days

There’s icebergs ahead, said the first Mate to the Skipper who stood on the bridge
But on the Titanic there was no sign of panic, the Captain was cool as a fridge
They can’t harm us at all, he said smiling, hold your course, keep her full steam ahead
But soon after noting the carpets were floating, he turned to the first Mate and said:

It’s going to be one of those days
It’s going to be one of those days
Why do these things always happen to me?
Just how unlucky can anyone be?
This is not going to look too good on my CV
And it’s going to be one of those days

Doctor Livingstone lived in the jungle with a tribe who thought he was a god 
He’d got forty wives, gold and silver besides, he was set up for life – lucky sod!
Then Stanley strides into the clearing with his pith hat, machete and shorts
I presume you are one Doctor D. Livingstone, at which the good doctor retorts

It’s going to be one of those days
It’s going to be one of those days
Here am I living the life of a toff
Now Stanley has caused a complete catastroff
I wish he’d just take his pith hat and pith off
And it’s going to be one of those days

Now there’s no disputin’ Rasputin was cute in a mad monkish way
He was giving Katrina the lovely Tsarina more than spiritual guidance they say
So the Tsar he arranged for his murder and he hired a hit-monk for the job
To stab him and shoot him and electrocute him, no names and no pack drill, ten bob

He said It’s going to be one of those days
It’s going to be one of those days
If there’s trouble about you can bet that I have it
Is it my fault the Tsarina goes like a rabbit
And if this is mad monking I’m changing my habit
And it’s going to be one of those days

So if you ever have one of those mornings when nothing you do will go right
Everything that you touch from the time you get up congeals into one great heap of – rubbish
Don’t think it’s your fault or failure, it’s not something you’ve eaten or said
And all you can do when it happens to you is sing as you go back to bed

It’s going to be one of those days
It’s going to be one of those days
It isn’t a blessing, it feels like a curse
When things keep on turning from bad into worse
And you can’t even think of a line for this song
That’ll rhyme or scan or any bloody thing
And it’s going to be one of those days

I Just Don’t Look Good Naked Anymore (Shep Wooley)

I stepped outta the shower and I gotta good look at myself

Pot belly, bald head, man, I thought I was somebody else

I caught my reflection in the mirror on the back of my bathroom door

I just don’t look good naked anymore


.He just don’t look good naked anymore


So, I’m goin’ upstairs and turn the bedroom mirror to the wall

I hung it there when I was trim and tall

I’d stand there and smile, and strut and flex until my arms got sore

But I just don’t look good naked anymore


He just don’t look good naked anymore


Well, me and my wife had a dance routine

Everybody said it was unique

Now it’s only when we’re back to back

That we’re dancing cheek to cheek


I went to the Doctor for my annual medical exam

Stood there in the buff, suddenly he said “MAN”

I said “What is it Doc, some fatal disease,

I just gotta know the score”

He said “No, you just don’t look good naked anymore


He just don’t look good naked anymore


I went to a nudie beech to have some seaside fun

Stretched out in my birthday suit, soakin’ up the sun Somebody yelled,

“Hey, there’s an old white whale washed up on the shore

I just don’t look good naked anymore


He just don’t look naked anymore.


Yeah, my arches fell, my chest went to hell And my

butt’s a-draggin’ the floor An’ I just don’t look good naked anymore

No, I just don’t look good naked anymore


He just don’t look good naked anymore


We just don’t look good naked anymore



The Bold O’ Donahue. (Trad)

Well, here I am from Paddy’s land, a land of high renown 
I’ve broke the hearts of all the girls for miles round Keady town 
And when they hear that I’m awa’ they’ll raise a hullabaloo 
When they hear about that handsome lad they call Jack Donahue! 

Well now I’m the boy to squeeze her, and I’m the boy to tease her 
I’m the boy that can please her up and I’ll tell you what I’ll do 
I’ll court her like an Irishman 
Wi’ me brogue and blarney too is me plan 
With the holligan, rolligan, swolligan, molligan bold O’Donahue! 

I wish my love was a red. red rose growing on yon garden wall 
And me to be a dewdrop and upon her brow I’d fall! 
Perhaps now she might think of me as a rather heavy dew 
And no more she’d love that handsome lad they call O’Donahue! 

Well I hear that Queen Victoria has a daughter fine and grand 
Perhaps she’d take it into her head for to marry an Irishman 
And if I could only get the chance to have a word or two 
I’m sure she’d take a notion to the bold O’Donahue! 

As I Walked Out (Trad)

As I roved out on a May morning,
On a May morning quite early,
It’s there I met my 0wn true love
But lord she was early.


And she sang lithie adoda lithie adoda lithie adoda alee 

And she hidle daloppa dee she hidaloppa dee and see landed


Her hair was black her stockings white

and her buckles shone like silver

She had a dark and a roving eye

And her earrings tipped her shoulder


I went to the house on the top of the hill 

whe the moon was shining clearly

And she arose to let me in 

But her mother chanced to hear me


She caught her by the hair of her head

And down to the room she brought her

And by the root of a hazel twig

She was a well beat daughter


Will ye marry me now me soldier lad

Will ye marry me now or never

Marry me now me soldier lad 

For you see I’m done forever


I can’t marry you me bonnie wee lass

I can’t marry you nae never

For I have got a wife at home 

And how csn I disown her


Now a pint at night is my delight
And a gallon in the morning.
The old women are my heartbreak
But the young ones are my darling.

The Band Played Waltzing Matilda (E. Bogle)

When I was a young man I carried my pack
And I lived the free life of a rover
From the murrays green basin to the dusty outback
I waltzed my matilda all over
Then in nineteen fifteen my country said son
It’s time to stop rambling ’cause there’s work to be done
So they gave me a tin hat and they gave me a gun
And they sent me away to the war

And the band played Waltzing Matilda
As we sailed away from the quay
And amidst all the tears and the shouts and the cheers
We sailed off to Gallipoli

How well I remember that terrible day
When the blood stained the sand and the water
And how in that hell that they called suvla bay
We were butchered like lambs at the slaughter
Johnny Turk he was ready, he primed himself well
He showered us with bullets, and he rained us with shells
And in five minutes flat he’d blown us all to hell
Nearly blew us right back to Australia

And a band played waltzing Matilda
As we stopped to bury our slain
And we buried ours and the Turks buried theirs
Then it started all over again

Now those who were living did their best to survive
In that mad world of blood, death and fire
And for seven long weeks I kept myself alive
While the corpses around me piled higher
Then a big Turkish shell knocked me arse over tit
And when I awoke in my hospital bed
And saw what it had done, Christ I wished I was dead
Never knew there were worse things than dying

And no more I’ll go waltzing Matilda
To the green bushes so far and near
For to hump tent and pegs, a man needs two legs
No more waltzing Matilda for me

So they collected the cripples, the wounded and maimed
And they shipped us back home to Australia
The legless, the armless, the blind and insane
Those proud wounded heroes of suvla
And as our ship pulled into circular quay
I looked at the place where me legs used to be
And thank Christ there was nobody waiting for me
To grieve and to mourn and to pity

And a band played Waltzing Matilda
As they carried us down the gangway
But nobody cheered, they just stood and stared
And they turned all their faces awayAnd now every

April I sit on my porch
And I watch the parade pass before me
I see my old comrades, how proudly they march
Reliving their dreams of past glory
I see the old men, all twisted and torn
The forgotten heroes of a forgotten war
And the young people ask me, “what are they Marching for?”
And I ask myself the same question

And the band plays Waltzing Matilda
And the old men still answer to the call
But year after year their numbers get fewer
Some day no one will march there at all