The Best of Scotland
(chorus:)
Paradimethylaminobenzaldehyde
Sodium citrate, ammonium cyanide
Phosphates and nitrates and chlorides galore
Just have one o’ these and you’ll never need more.
Got messed up last night on furfuryl alcohol
Followed it down with a gallon of propanol
Drank from mid-morning til late afternoon
Then spat on the floor and blew up the saloon.
(repeat chorus)
Paradimethylaminobenzaldehyde,
Powdered aluminum, nitrogen iodide
Slop it around and add some benzene
Then top off the punch with Fluorescein
(repeat chorus)
Whiskey, tequila and rum are too tame,
The stuff that I drink must explode into flame.
When I break wind it strips all the paint in the room,
And rattles the walls with an earthshaking boom.
(repeat chorus)
Paradimethylaminobenzaldehyde
Go soak your head in a jar of formaldehyde
Scrub very hard, then rinse out your mane
In dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane!
Tonight I am so happy tonight I am so gay
Me mothers got a rolly polly pudding on the way
I saw her put the currents in the suet and the fat
Tonight we’re having spotted dick what do you think of that
Chorus
For I’m having a bit tonight I’m having a bit tonight
Me mother say’s I must be quick to get me bit of spotted Dick
I like me rolly Polly It fills me wi delight
I hav’ne had it since Easter but I’m having a bit tonight
.
nite nite nite diddle it tite tite
.
There is me uncle Billy and me auntie Nell
Then there is the girl nextdoor she likes a bit as well
Then there’s me old grandad he’s really very tough
Although he’s nearly ninety he’s a bugger for his Duff
.
Then there is me girl friend she is a lovely girl
Her hair is like the waving corn her teeth as white as pearl
There’s only one thing wrong with her she is’nt very fat
Tonight she’s getting spotted dick what do you think of that
.
Well me mothers rolly polly it is the very best
It really fills yer belly and puts hairs apon your chest
So if your feeling poorly or if your feeling sick
there’s nothing better for you than a bit so spotted dick
Away in the Hielands
There stands a wee hoose,
And it stands on the breast of the brae.
Where we played as laddies
Sae long long ago,
And it seems it was just yesterday.
Chorus
Where the heather bells are blooming just outside Granny’s door,
Where as laddies there we played in the days of long ago.
Neath the shadow of Ben Bhragie and Golspie’s loudly stane,
How I wished that I could see my Granny’s Hielan’ hame.
I can still see old Granny,
A smile on her face,
As sweet as the heather dew,
When she kissed me good-bye
Wi’ a tear in her eye,
And said, ‘Laddie may God bless you’.
It’s a wonderful thing to feel young and healthy
Great to say your feeling fine
What do you care about being wealthy
As long as you have a good time
.
A man who weds at ninety five a girl of twenty two
Enganged a nice companion so his wife would not be blue
I fear the wife is preganant the companion’s pregnant too
.
It’s a wonderful thing to feel young
Now and old man met a laddie crying bo ho ho ho ho
The boy said I’m upset because I can’t do what big boys do
The old man thought a minute then he started crying too
It’s a wonderful thing to feel young
.
It’s a wonderful thing to feel full of youthpop
What if you lost all your teeth
What if you find that there’s snow on the rooftop
If there’s a big fire underneath
.
Well you’ve heard of auntie Jessie now It really is a farce
She went out walking yesterday and fell apon the grass
We promised not to mention where she stuck the elastoplast
It’s a wonderful thing to feel young
.
Now auntie Jessie’s in mess you really must’nt scoff
The plasters really agony especially when she coughs
It did’ni hurt when it went on but gee’s when it came off
It’s a wonderful thing to feel young
.
It’s a wonderful thing to feel young and glowing
What if you lost all your hair
What if you can’t quite see where your going
As long as you know when your there
.
Well a fine girl caught winching beneath the stairheed light
Her father said I’ll teach you to make love
The girl said dad I wish you would for he canni da it right
It’ a wonderful thing to feel young
.
Well an old wife at a funeral called a minister by name
She said that man you buried he’s a hundred I’m the same
He said my god a hundred it’s no worth your while go’s hame
It’s a wonderful thing to feel young
It’s a wonderful thing to feel young
It’s a wonderful thing to feel young
Twas on the 16th of July in 1988
That Embo did declare itself an independent state
And the peopled came from miles around by the dozen and the score
To watch the rollers gently break on embo’s golden shores
Chorus
On Embo’s golden shore me boys
On Embo’s golden shore
We’ll watch the rollers gently break
On Embo’s golden shore
.
To enter this new fledgling state a visa was required
For Embo gained it’s freedom then without a shot been fired
Twas not Whithall’s stately rooms they played their power game’s
but in the cosy backroom bar in Granny’s Heiland Hame
.
I’ve travelled many’s a weary mile and seen strange foreign lands
I’ve seen the snowy mountains and I’ve wondered through the glens
But then I came by Dornoch town far famed in days of yore
And I watched the rollers gently break on Embo’s golden shore
When you find you’ve slept through your alarm clock and you can’t find clean knickers or socks
When number one daughter’s used all the hot water and there’s no teabags left in the box
The orange juice carton is empty and the coffee pot’s furry and green
The only bread’s frozen, the toaster is broken and you struggle to stifle a scream
CHORUS:
It’s going to be one of those days
It’s going to be one of those days
But don’t think these things only happen to you
That creation has cursed ev’rything that you do
For the rich and the famous have their moments too
And it’s going to be one of those days
There’s icebergs ahead, said the first Mate to the Skipper who stood on the bridge
But on the Titanic there was no sign of panic, the Captain was cool as a fridge
They can’t harm us at all, he said smiling, hold your course, keep her full steam ahead
But soon after noting the carpets were floating, he turned to the first Mate and said:
CHORUS:
It’s going to be one of those days
It’s going to be one of those days
Why do these things always happen to me?
Just how unlucky can anyone be?
This is not going to look too good on my CV
And it’s going to be one of those days
Doctor Livingstone lived in the jungle with a tribe who thought he was a god
He’d got forty wives, gold and silver besides, he was set up for life – lucky sod!
Then Stanley strides into the clearing with his pith hat, machete and shorts
I presume you are one Doctor D. Livingstone, at which the good doctor retorts
CHORUS:
It’s going to be one of those days
It’s going to be one of those days
Here am I living the life of a toff
Now Stanley has caused a complete catastroff
I wish he’d just take his pith hat and pith off
And it’s going to be one of those days
Now there’s no disputin’ Rasputin was cute in a mad monkish way
He was giving Katrina the lovely Tsarina more than spiritual guidance they say
So the Tsar he arranged for his murder and he hired a hit-monk for the job
To stab him and shoot him and electrocute him, no names and no pack drill, ten bob
CHORUS:
He said It’s going to be one of those days
It’s going to be one of those days
If there’s trouble about you can bet that I have it
Is it my fault the Tsarina goes like a rabbit
And if this is mad monking I’m changing my habit
And it’s going to be one of those days
So if you ever have one of those mornings when nothing you do will go right
Everything that you touch from the time you get up congeals into one great heap of – rubbish
Don’t think it’s your fault or failure, it’s not something you’ve eaten or said
And all you can do when it happens to you is sing as you go back to bed
CHORUS:
It’s going to be one of those days
It’s going to be one of those days
It isn’t a blessing, it feels like a curse
When things keep on turning from bad into worse
And you can’t even think of a line for this song
That’ll rhyme or scan or any bloody thing
And it’s going to be one of those days
I stepped outta the shower and I gotta good look at myself
Pot belly, bald head, man, I thought I was somebody else
I caught my reflection in the mirror on the back of my bathroom door
I just don’t look good naked anymore
.
.He just don’t look good naked anymore
.
So, I’m goin’ upstairs and turn the bedroom mirror to the wall
I hung it there when I was trim and tall
I’d stand there and smile, and strut and flex until my arms got sore
But I just don’t look good naked anymore
.
He just don’t look good naked anymore
.
Well, me and my wife had a dance routine
Everybody said it was unique
Now it’s only when we’re back to back
That we’re dancing cheek to cheek
.
I went to the Doctor for my annual medical exam
Stood there in the buff, suddenly he said “MAN”
I said “What is it Doc, some fatal disease,
I just gotta know the score”
He said “No, you just don’t look good naked anymore
.
He just don’t look good naked anymore
.
I went to a nudie beech to have some seaside fun
Stretched out in my birthday suit, soakin’ up the sun Somebody yelled,
“Hey, there’s an old white whale washed up on the shore
I just don’t look good naked anymore
.
He just don’t look naked anymore.
.
Yeah, my arches fell, my chest went to hell And my
butt’s a-draggin’ the floor An’ I just don’t look good naked anymore
No, I just don’t look good naked anymore
.
He just don’t look good naked anymore
.
We just don’t look good naked anymore
.
.
Well, here I am from Paddy’s land, a land of high renown
I’ve broke the hearts of all the girls for miles round Keady town
And when they hear that I’m awa’ they’ll raise a hullabaloo
When they hear about that handsome lad they call Jack Donahue!
CHORUS
Well now I’m the boy to squeeze her, and I’m the boy to tease her
I’m the boy that can please her up and I’ll tell you what I’ll do
I’ll court her like an Irishman
Wi’ me brogue and blarney too is me plan
With the holligan, rolligan, swolligan, molligan bold O’Donahue!
I wish my love was a red. red rose growing on yon garden wall
And me to be a dewdrop and upon her brow I’d fall!
Perhaps now she might think of me as a rather heavy dew
And no more she’d love that handsome lad they call O’Donahue!
Well I hear that Queen Victoria has a daughter fine and grand
Perhaps she’d take it into her head for to marry an Irishman
And if I could only get the chance to have a word or two
I’m sure she’d take a notion to the bold O’Donahue!
As I roved out on a May morning,
On a May morning quite early,
It’s there I met my 0wn true love
But lord she was early.
Chorus
And she sang lithie adoda lithie adoda lithie adoda alee
And she hidle daloppa dee she hidaloppa dee and see landed
.
Her hair was black her stockings white
and her buckles shone like silver
She had a dark and a roving eye
And her earrings tipped her shoulder
.
I went to the house on the top of the hill
whe the moon was shining clearly
And she arose to let me in
But her mother chanced to hear me
.
She caught her by the hair of her head
And down to the room she brought her
And by the root of a hazel twig
She was a well beat daughter
.
Will ye marry me now me soldier lad
Will ye marry me now or never
Marry me now me soldier lad
For you see I’m done forever
.
I can’t marry you me bonnie wee lass
I can’t marry you nae never
For I have got a wife at home
And how csn I disown her
.
Now a pint at night is my delight
And a gallon in the morning.
The old women are my heartbreak
But the young ones are my darling.